Suicide. To some it is a permanent escape from the pain, to some it is a cry for attention. To many it is a stupid choice, to some it seems like the only option. The taking of one’s own life, ending it all on your own terms, suicide is such a complex subject that no one cares to talk about. That needs to change, now. People are so scared to ask for help and they start to believe that no one cares, everyone will think you just want attention, which leads to quick decisions that cannot be undone. Until this January it wasn’t a topic I cared to discuss either, but that all changed when one of my closest friends took his own life January 8th. So here’s my story, if I can help one person, or spark one conversation then this is worth writing. As some of you know, I’ve had a couple rough years lately since my mom left. But what most of you do not know, is I struggled with depression for a long time and hid the pain that my mom caused me from most everyone around me. The people I did share my real feelings with suggested I go to therapy and I was too embarrassed to ever do that so I just pretended that I got better around those people. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and almost no one to turn to, or at least that’s what I thought. I didn’t want anyone to know that I couldn’t handle my own problems. Besides that, my mom had broken me, how could I trust anyone when my own mother lied to me and left me. How could I think anyone could ever love me, if one of the two people in the world that should love you unconditionally just walked out on me without even so much as a goodbye. I lost my trust in everyone, I felt horrible, embarrassed, broken, ashamed. The last words I will ever remember my mom saying to me one month later when I tracked her down, when she still refused to explain or apologize? The last thing she told me, “this is all your fault.” I’ll never forget that, I’ll never forget any of it. Now I have forgiven her but what she did still hurts, I still think about it every day. I was devastated, alone, scared, shattered. There were nights where I felt like giving up, it hurt too much to think about constantly and it was too much work to try to play happy for all the people who surrounded me at school and work. I thought about it. It was an attractive idea, just giving up, not having to deal with it, it just didn’t seem worth dealing with. I’ve only ever said this out loud to two people. Ever. But yes, I thought about suicide. It hurts me now to even think about it because I see how stupid it was, how much I would have given up, how many people I would have hurt. I didn’t need attention, on the contrary, I just wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be in this world anymore. I never let myself make a plan, I just had the idea and once that idea enters your mind it’s there, every time something goes wrong it teases you, seduces you. You live your entire life within your own mind, that’s the one thing you can’t get away from, you can’t run away from your thoughts. But something within me needed to fight, I can’t lose hope for the future, I wasn’t going to let someone else’s poor decision cause me to make an even worse one. Then it hit home. Someone I had been able to share everything with, who had been there for me, made me laugh, held my hand, kept my secrets; he took his own life. James Donald Hamilton, one of the best friends I will ever have, decided to leave this world. One of the main reasons James and I got along so well was we had such similar circumstances, different situations but the same feelings. We both felt like we had to be stronger than we were, we had to be happy when we weren’t; we had to laugh when all we wanted to do was cry. We were parts of circles that looked to us for strength, inspiration, and happiness and we didn’t want anyone to know that wasn’t always the case. James was an amazing person, the perfect gentlemen, and a strong human being. But a smile can hide so much from the world. While I know James’ story and I am blessed that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me, I won’t share that. But I can honestly say that I was not completely surprised when I found out what he had done. Of course I never considered him to actually do it, I will never, ever blame him or be mad at him for it. The saying goes that only the good die young, James is one of the few truly genuine people that God has blessed me with in my life. I mean that one hundred percent, never spoke of others negatively, always helped whoever he could and expected nothing in return. I like to think he was too good for this world. However, I regret his decision, because I don’t think he knew how many people he influenced, how many people he touched, how many people really loved him. I would give anything to have him back, to hug him one more time, to get ice cream and have a game night with him. I would give anything to tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me and always will. I would do anything to see him with his parents again telling me about one of their vacations or to see him playing with his dog. I would pay all the money in the world to see him when I walk into Publix and clog his way to the end of the registers. But I can’t have him back, he’s gone. It’s one of the scariest things I have ever had to think of. But I know he’s here, every time I see a ‘Where’s George’ bill, every time I hear ‘Apologize’, every time someone’s grocery bill is divisible by eleven, yes, I try to do it in my head still. Every day I drive to work I pass Dog-Et-Al, where we had our first date, I think about you, James. It hurts and I still cry, tears for myself because I know his pain has finally ended, a pain that he carried alone. No one has to carry the pain alone; it is not your sole burden to harbor. You can talk about it, you can survive. You cannot be replaced, you make a difference, you are someone’s everything. It’s a struggle, a battle that you can win. Happiness won’t come overnight. Happiness isn’t at the end of a barrel; it can’t be found in a book. Happiness isn’t at the bottom of a drink; it’s not attained by ignoring or running away from your problems. You have to find what makes you happy and do that. Me? My happiness is driving with the music blasting, singing along to every word. My happiness is writing, letting go all of my emotions onto the paper. My happiness is the hope for a better future and reaching small goals I set for myself. Our society cannot continue to ignore this problem. Mental illness is a disease, depression is real, and it hurts. We cannot judge people who deal with these internal demons, you can’t tell what someone is hiding, everyone is fighting a battle, and everyone has a story. Let’s talk about it, and I bet we would grow to be more compassionate, understanding, and loving human beings. So go talk to that person you think is just shy, ask your friend how life is, give a stranger a compliment. Let’s talk about the things that scare us, the taboo topics, challenge the stigma. Suicide happens, it’s not just an empty threat, but life gets better. Let’s share our neighbors’ burdens, let’s lend a hand, reach a heart. A hug can make all the difference, a call can save a life. Be there for someone. If you’re reading this and you need to talk, I’m here, even if it’s 3am, I’ll be there for you, for whatever you need. I don’t want to lose another friend; I don’t want anyone to lose anyone they love. You won’t regret making an effort. I promise. I could go on forever but just know, you’re not alone, it’s not worth it, someone would be ruined if you left, this fight is undoubtedly worth fighting, and when you feel like letting go, hold on. If you or someone you know needs help, here’s the offer, I’ll listen. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). Let’s talk about it, Spread the word, Spread the love.
And bored out of my mind…
My friends suck. I hate the feeling of being alone. It sucks to know noone is there for you when you really need them.
I shouldn’t have to ask for you to care about me….
I held hands with Joe Jonas…. like three days ago. That happened…. Ugh <3 It’s the little things in life :)
My blogspiration for the night? My recent stab at changing my life. You might call it a ‘weight loss journey’ or an ‘exercise kick’ but that’s not what it is for me, I’m trying to just be a better, healthier me. Don’t get me wrong, if I lose weight, then that’s awesome but I’m happy with the person I am and I love myself the way I am. My end goal isn’t to be skinny, I will still have the same problems no matter what I look like, but I do just want to be happier and so far eating right and going to the gym is helping with that. It’s me doing something for me, not anyone else. A lot of people say to ‘do it for the wow’ or ‘do it for the people who treated you wrong’…no, I’m going to do it for me! My image has always been an issue I’ve had to deal with and now that I *knock on wood* have things together and a somewhat solid plan for the future… I’m ready to do this. So I’ll be going to the gym whenever I get a chance and I’ll keep eating right and drinking a crap ton of water! I’m going to do it for me, so that in a year’s time I can be proud of me. I’ll be the same me, feel the same way, live the same life. And yeah, everyone will have a reaction and maybe it will shock some people. But if you don’t love me know, please don’t love me when this is over because the same amazing, beautiful, smart me will be there, no matter what the scale reads <3
So far, one month in, I signed up for a gym membership (1 year contract) and wrote off sodas!
Oh and I’ve lost 25 pounds ;)
Love and many hugs <3
I hope she hurt on Mother’s Day as bad as I hurt, I hope it ate at her all day long. I hope she knows how horrible she is and realizes that she lost a daughter, lost the best thing in her life. I’m done with her, it feels good to be over it, it will always mess with me but I’m okay with it, accepted it, and I’m moving on. But today I hope it hurts her, I hope her whole day was horrible. Sorry, but I’m not sorry…
Nick needs to see the “scenery”